Discussion

My body, my word.

Posted on February 16, 2010 at 10:02 pm

When you go out into the world and talk to people about sexuality and gender identity you will quickly run into the fact that most people assume that you are born with a body that has a certain shape and that shape determines what behaviors are appropriate for you. You, Miss, you were born with a vagina and therefore you must accept that your body will never be entirely your own, that you’ll always make less money than your male counterparts, and that you will be the one primarily responsible for the care of your home. You, Sir, you were born with a penis and therefore will face a constant barrage of humiliation from men older than you. You will be assumed to be driven, rapacious, and priapic. This seems so ridiculous laid out in words like that.

For me, to be Queer means to be someone who questions and plays with the roles I’m assumed to have because of the shape of my body. It’s a sexual orientation, a political stance, a religious opinion, and a way of being in the world. It reflects the kind of sex I like, how many people I like to have that sex with, and in what combinations. And, it reflects my assertion that I have a right to choose the place I inhabit on all of those axes.

It’s a big, scary word. But that’s ok because it reflects a big, scary concept. You have the right to choose messy complexity over simple reductionism. Nothing about your physical self should dictate the quality of who you are. Not the color of your skin. Not the number or functioning of your limbs. Not the shape of your genitals. Nothing about what you were as a baby should dictate the place you carve out in the world.

Queer isn’t about orientation. It’s not about the sex you are or the sex you’re attracted to. Queer people are straight. Queer people are bisexual. Queer people are lesbian and gay. Queer people are cis- or trans-gendered. What makes Queer people Queer is just and only that they have chosen to be.

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Shame 101

Posted on October 14, 2009 at 11:50 am

Shame is useful. It tells us when we’ve done something that violates our notions of right and wrong. It’s that little voice that tells us someone may be watching; some one will know about that bad thing we’ve done and there will be consequences. By listening to that voice, we navigate the intersection of what we want and what we should do.

What gets sticky is when the internal programing (the “should”) has bugs. When what we think is wrong is in fact harmless. Debugging that programming can be the work of years of exploration. It’s complicated to extricate a harmless desire from its framework of harmful or socially problematic corollaries.

This is a sexual health blog so, shockingly enough, we’ll take sex as an example. I’d love to be able to say to you “sex is Great! Anything you want to do is awesome! Go out and put the bunnies to shame!” but I can’t. Because, not all sex is awesome. The sex where one or more partners feels pressured or is hurt more than he or she desires is not awesome. If you’re having that kind of sex, if you’re pressuring your partner or hurting your partner more than your partner wants you should feel bad. Put that useful shame to it’s good purpose. Feel bad that you’re doing something wrong and stop doing it.

On the other hand, what if you’re feeling shame when everything is good? What if:

*you are doing what you want to be doing
*and*
*your partner is doing what he or she wants to be doing
*and*
*you’ve talked about what kind of safer sex practices work for you both
*and*
*you’re using them
*and*
*what you’re doing isn’t going to hurt anyone else (no one’s being cheated on, you aren’t using your roommate’s bed/vibrator/towels/hamster without permission, etc.)

and you’re still feeling shame? Now’s the time to do that debugging. Get outside of your head. Talk to people you trust about what you’re doing and check in that what you’re doing is in fact meeting the basic criteria above.

Done that? Still feeling shame about harmless pleasure? Can’t let it go on your own? Get some therapy. With a therapist. Please do not, for the love of all that’s holy, use your partners for therapy. It’s not fair to them, it’s not helpful to you, and it does nothing to bring more beauty into the world.

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Why?

Posted on May 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Why do we have sex?

When I ask that question during The Talk workshops, the answers I get are as varied as what just went through your mind - and then some. People have sex to connect. They have sex to lose themselves or to find themselves again. They want to lose track of time or gain a sense of the moment. They have it for pleasure. They have it for a sense of power or to give power over to another person. Sometimes they have sex for food, or a safe place to stay, or to feel wanted and secure.

People have sex with people they like and people they’d rather not talk to. They have sex with people they know and with strangers. They have sex with people they’re afraid of and with people who keep them safe and respect them.

What we’re trying to foster through this blog and through outreach in our local community is a system of thought about sex that allows people to realize that, no matter the reason, no matter the partner, or the number of partners, they can have super-hot sex with positive outcomes. It’s within their power to choose what amount of risk they want to take on. It’s our job as health educators to help them understand what those risks are.

So, let’s talk about it. Why do you have sex?

5 Comments on Why?

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