Shame is useful. It tells us when we’ve done something that violates our notions of right and wrong. It’s that little voice that tells us someone may be watching; some one will know about that bad thing we’ve done and there will be consequences. By listening to that voice, we navigate the intersection of what we want and what we should do.
What gets sticky is when the internal programing (the “should”) has bugs. When what we think is wrong is in fact harmless. Debugging that programming can be the work of years of exploration. It’s complicated to extricate a harmless desire from its framework of harmful or socially problematic corollaries.
This is a sexual health blog so, shockingly enough, we’ll take sex as an example. I’d love to be able to say to you “sex is Great! Anything you want to do is awesome! Go out and put the bunnies to shame!” but I can’t. Because, not all sex is awesome. The sex where one or more partners feels pressured or is hurt more than he or she desires is not awesome. If you’re having that kind of sex, if you’re pressuring your partner or hurting your partner more than your partner wants you should feel bad. Put that useful shame to it’s good purpose. Feel bad that you’re doing something wrong and stop doing it.
On the other hand, what if you’re feeling shame when everything is good? What if:
*you are doing what you want to be doing
*and*
*your partner is doing what he or she wants to be doing
*and*
*you’ve talked about what kind of safer sex practices work for you both
*and*
*you’re using them
*and*
*what you’re doing isn’t going to hurt anyone else (no one’s being cheated on, you aren’t using your roommate’s bed/vibrator/towels/hamster without permission, etc.)
and you’re still feeling shame? Now’s the time to do that debugging. Get outside of your head. Talk to people you trust about what you’re doing and check in that what you’re doing is in fact meeting the basic criteria above.
Done that? Still feeling shame about harmless pleasure? Can’t let it go on your own? Get some therapy. With a therapist. Please do not, for the love of all that’s holy, use your partners for therapy. It’s not fair to them, it’s not helpful to you, and it does nothing to bring more beauty into the world.